Listening to My Own Voice

Nevermind the emotional mess of the last few months, nevermind the feeling that sometimes I cannot control my emotions as much as I wish to try, nevermind all of the things that keep me from executing a plan. At some point, for me, realizations come in, and I, the I that lives in the outside world, that sees people and has interactions, is sloshed about from side to side in a wave of impulses that my brain seemingly decides at random. I’m at the bottom of the trough beginning to crest. Hopefully this is something more significant that a slippy little eddy.

Everything in the last couple of months has really made me think heavily about myself, my position, my ideas, my future. I struggle with the idea of blame, reasons, due credit, and acceptance of all of the above. I reached few conclusions and mostly exhaustion. I have had some issues with my family and processing their role in how my life is now. I see my relationship and how I lost myself in this one and all of the others. Ultimately, it’s all me, it’s all of my shortcomings. All of that is neither here nor there and rather unimportant to the future. Choices are important. Contrast allows me to see what I would prefer to be – a better version of myself. That contrast is provided by viewing the lives of others. I’ve been watching movies, shows, consuming media in this way, giving myself concentrated injections of full swings of emotions – surrogate momentum. With all of these thoughts about myself and the integrity of my emotions, I experienced a lull in passion for all things outside of myself, and perhaps a complete loss in edge and direction, despite my probably less-than-best efforts. I hate that sort of mess, it takes me in circles, gets me nowhere, and I can’t seem to get out of it until enough numbness has built up that with nothing but surrogate momentum, I am propelled again into the world of somethings.

“Go out and sit on the lawn and do nothing, ‘Cause it’s just what you must do and nobody does it anymore. No, I don’t believe in the wasting of time, but I don’t believe that I’m wasting mine.”

At times, I think I’ve done too much of sitting out on the lawn and doing nothing. Mostly, I’ve realized that I’m not sitting out on the lawn to do nothing, I’m sitting out on the lawn because I can’t stand being inside the house. So much of my nothing is a distraction, it’s getting just out of reach, it’s an avoidance of major issues. I thought, primarily that the issue was school, not finishing school, but it ran a little bit deeper than that. In essence, my admiration of a few persons was governing my conception of how I should live my life instead of an acceptance of who I am, how I am, and what exactly I want based entirely, not partially, on my own thinking. In some regard, that can be further simplified down to a lack of self-confidence. I’m not sure I necessarily feel ashamed of this lack of mental independence – actually, I probably do, but looking forward, shame is only going to inhibit me from doing what I need to do. I’ve got some bitterness in my pocket, but I don’t want it ruining anything, and in truth, any bitterness I feel can be redirected back to me. It is and has always been my life – I am responsible for everything in it, for how I processed or for how slowly I learned. Blaming myself for those things is easier, because a person learns to forgive themselves more easily than they forgive others.

Throughout the last couple of years I’ve thought about new beginnings and new ways to live, but in all of that, not until now, have I really viewed myself as a completely separate entity capable of going as near or far as she pleases. I don’t know why it took so long, I don’t know why, that even at 18 when I felt adult and independent, some things just seemed like taking my independence too far. Actually, upon reflection, it is the concept of debt and indebtedness to others. I’ve always felt this very strongly, this sense of “I have what I have because of others and I should give back equally” and so those others are granted a strong voice of opinion that would struggle with my own. No more of that. Certainly, I still wish to love and care for those whom have loved and cared for me, but the way I go about it, the way I live from here on out, will be determined entirely by my own voice.

With all of this thinking, intention and unintentional, I have new pieces of information. I know why I am where I am currently and I’ve even come to understand a few of my internal impulses and why they are so strong. My need for space, for independence, for being alone is perhaps rooted in the constriction of my culture on the emotions of the young. I don’t want to complain about particulars, perhaps this is a fairly ubiquitous concept around the world and doesn’t need much explaining. Just because I recognized an injustice doesn’t mean that I felt wronged either. I grew as I did and I realize what I realize now and that’s that. I know now, I have answers, and I have what I suppose some would call a new lease on life. It’s more of a sublet really. In truth, I could write an essay about each emotion, each realization, each thought process, but I don’t have that kind of time right now. Come to think of it, I processed many more emotional hangups than I would have been able to at 18, I’ve become quite well versed in asking myself a few socratic questions. There was an emotional mess, part of it has been sorted and part of it has been categorized as “needs more data.” Now I’m at the point of “do.”

So my passion got sapped and I was living in an abstract world of thought and intention. Am I out of it? I’m climbing out of it. I’ve been reading a little bit more, books that I didn’t expect I’d be reading currently, and some passion is returning to me. I still have yet to find that balance between environment and art. How to merge the things I am passionate about? In truth, I have an idea, but getting there will be difficult.

Today, I decided to sit down and make a proper plan for my future – I was supposed to do this weeks ago, but somehow, with a bit of passion reignited, I am incorporating the right sort of plans to help move me along. I am no longer planning with harsh self-deadlines. I am no longer planning or thinking in a way that has been likened to self-flagellation. I am simply just making a plan, and going forward as I can. This plan has nothing to do with anyone else’s ideas or deadlines, it has only to do with what works for me and what will grant me the most quality experience, no matter the time it takes, or how it makes me look to everyone on the outside. I’ll be taking things a little bit slower than I want to, but it will be healthier in the long run, I will teach myself positive habits and positive ways of being in the process.

This post is a bit of a vague wasteland. I can’t write about any of the things I’ve been thinking about without getting my thoughts out clearly on each topic and then doing some reading to gain some new ideas and present it clearly. Furthermore, I won’t really write about my plans because they are too personal for blogging and a touch sensitive at the moment, some of those plans are in their baby incubation stage where they need to be coddled and loved and shielded from the world.

For now, the point is this: the feeling of indebtedness caused me to remain silent in my own life. I have been able to examine my external pressures and their validity. This time, the source of pressure wasn’t something easy to deride, like distant societal concepts, but instead the ideas and opinions of those closest to me, and those that I have always listened to without question. The result of this new separation, is that I can plan my future with a different internal climate. The difference is that I have become very protective of my own voice and what I want and I’ve learned to protect that voice even from those who have contributed to its making. Many of the decisions I am making now are difficult for me in many ways, they have me going against a nature I’ve been going with for years, but I think, in the long run, everything will work out and the choices I am making now will turn out to be the right choices.